From Heads Unworthy
by DoctorHyde
Summary: Another tag for episode 14 of season 4 "Sex and Violence". Sam thinks about what he said to Dean and comes to a decision. Sam's version of my other tag, Cheap Trick. Spoilers for season 4.


**From Heads Unworthy**

Another tag for episode 14 of season 4 "Sex and Violence". Sam thinks about what he said to Dean and comes to a decision. Sam's version of my other tag, Cheap Trick. Spoilers for season 4.

I decided that it was unfair to just do Dean's POV of the tag so I wrote up Sam's side to the story and hear it is. Thanking you for taking the time to read. And thanks to those who encouraged me to write this one.

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Don't look at me like that Dean. I'm begging you please, don't give me that look. Those words, I didn't mean them. I swear to God I didn't. But I can't take them back. Oh God, I just wish I could take them back. I wish I could say I'm sorry and make you understand. But every time I open my mouth, every time I turn to you, you turn away like you're scared I'm going to say something else, like you're scared I'm going to tell you to stop the car and let me out.

But I didn't mean it Dean. I wish more than anything that I could somehow prove that to you. Those words, those Goddamn words, they circle round my head, tormenting me. Like acid dripping from my very tongue, the aftertaste is bitter and I feel myself choking on it. I can see the disappointment in your eyes; I can see the hurt buried deep below the surface as you struggle to say that we're okay.

I don't need you to lie to me Dean. I don't need you to pretend that everything's going to be okay. I know the truth. I know how much I hurt you. I can see the pain that you're trying to hide, but you know what - you can't hide it from me. And I feel so ashamed of what I said. My heart is twisting, refusing to beat steadily as the words take another lap around my mind and I find myself unable to look your way, unable to see the absolute agony that I've caused you.

You don't want to talk about it. I get that Dean, I get it. I understand. You don't want to listen to how sorry I am but I am Dean. Believe me I am. There is this huge pit inside me and it just keeps on growing and it won't stop. I feel like it's going to swallow me whole and I can't stop it. And I can't make you understand. You'll never understand.

You don't get what it's like to be walking around knowing you're a freak, knowing that you're walking down a dangerous path, a fine line between good and evil. You can't ever know what that's like. You're not weak Dean, just human. It's all you've ever been, all you ever will be and I'm thankful for that. I'm glad you won't have the chance to understand.

But I'm not Dean. I'm not human. I'm not normal.

And Jesus Dean. You just don't seem to get that. You don't understand what that means. And yet you still go on pretending like it's okay. Even now, you force yourself to tell me that we're fine. But we're not. We haven't been fine for a long time.

You went to Hell for me Dean. You sold your soul and went to Hell! You gave me everything and I can't help but wonder if you resent me for it - as much as I resent you for it. 'Cause I never asked you to do it. I never asked you to sell your soul. I didn't ask you to go to Hell and I certainly didn't ask to be left alone!

And ever since you came back, you're different. Distant. And part of me, part of me feels like I'm still alone. I keep seeing glimpses of the Dean I knew, I keep seeing a flash in your eye or a quirk of your lip every now and then but they're gone as quick as they came to be replaced once again by that damn infamous game face.

Don't you understand Dean? She did this! Lilith. She took you away and that you're back, you're not the same you anymore. And I'm not the same me. I had to learn how to live without you, I had to learn how to survive and you have no idea what that's like when a little piece of you dies a little more each day.

Angels, demons - this life Dean, it's not fair. It's not right. And this war with Lilith, this whole seal breaking business - I can stop it! This isn't just revenge. It's not just payback. Can't you see? I have all this power and I can use it. I can stop her; I can stop Lucifer from being freed.

And maybe I can save us too. Maybe I can save you. And maybe that's all I'm trying to do now.

I'm tired of this life Dean. I'm sick and tired of always living on the run and I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. You keep telling me that my powers will bring nothing but trouble but all I see is me saving lives! There are people out there, demon free and alive because of my powers. Do you have any idea how that feels? It feels a hell of a lot better than having stuck a knife into their gut, killing the poor bastard that was being used as a meatsuit.

So why do I keep hiding things from you? Because you'll only stop me and I know I'm right on this one Dean. I know I can stop Lilith. I can end her and I can end this war. I mean, tell me Dean - what exactly have the angels done for us so far? Where have they been whilst we've been fighting off every freaking demon in our lives? They brought you out of Hell, but they won't say why and, and I just don't trust them.

I watch you in the reflection of the passenger window, your face shadowed until a passing car gives me a quick glimpse of the pain still sitting in your eyes and I see you shift. You turn to me for a moment, your voice raw and broken as you ask me if I'm hungry and all I can do is roll my eyes.

Still you pretend. Why don't you shout at me Dean? Why don't you take a shot? Have things between us really become that bad? Are we really that broken?

I can't hold back the scoff as I shake my head and my jaw clenches as I draw out your name in a plea, begging to be heard out, needing something to be said. We can't keep going on like this Dean. But you cut me off before I can go on, a quick 'save it Sammy'. And though I hear that old familiar nickname, it's cold and hard, a layer of ice coating the surface of each letter where it once felt warm, like Home.

I'll prove it to you Dean. I'll prove that I can do this, that I can kill Lilith. Then you'll be proud of me again. You'll look at me like I'm your little brother again and not just some sideshow freak that needs to be kept on a leash. I swear to you Dean - I will. I just wish that you could trust me…

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Thank you again for reading.


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